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Saturday, May 14, 2016

Hazel Louise :: one year!

To my dearest one-year old,

This month I've been reflecting so much about the past year. Everything from the first moment I held you to when you first started eating toilet paper as a hobby (& everything in between!). What a wild ride this past year as been, sweet girl! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad to see you turn one. I've been so excited for each new step with you--sitting up on your own, crawling, babbling, eating solid foods, first tooth...but you turning one is so different. I look at you now and you're looking more like a toddler than a baby & I realize that time, no matter how much you cherish it, goes by quickly.

Just last week you fell asleep in my arms as I was getting you ready for bed. Normally if that happens I wake you up just a bit and place you in your crib. Then you snuggle down and fall right to sleep. I don't know if it's because you're turning one, but for some reason I just couldn't put you down. I just sat in the chair and held you so, so close and reminisced our year together.

I thought about the second night after you were born (I can't lie, you were born at 10:20pm and that first night feels like a blur!), it was right around 2am and it was just me and you. You had woken up and needed a diaper change. I changed your diaper and swaddled you back up. I held you so close in my arms and rocked you back and forth as I looked out at all the lights of NYC. As I was staring at the lights and holding you tight I had this wave of overwhelming love hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden I really felt like your momma. It was the most simple & most magical moment. Up until that point everything had felt so fast--you were born and placed right on me, you were so slimy and small! It was so crazy! The next day felt so surreal, but I'll always remember that second night--holding you so close with so much love.

So last week, when I was holding you and couldn't put you down I was thinking about that night and whispered to you through tears, "If I put you down then you're going to grow up...and I'm not sure I can handle that."

As I get older I'm learning that in everything there is a tension. I so badly want you to stay little, but I also cannot wait for the journey ahead of you. I dream of watching you grow into a toddler, a school-aged kiddo, & a young lady. I'm hopeful for sweet talks about life over tea like I had with my mom, to play soccer together, and to laugh often in our home. I'm okay with the tension--I'm hopeful for what the future holds and a little sad to say goodbye to your first year.

So, Hazel Louise, in this update I'm not going to put your eating, sleeping, and developmental updates (ok...just a quick one: you started playing peek-a-boo with us! Ah, it's so stinkin' cute!). Although I love looking back at them and seeing how much you've grown, in this update I really just want you to know how much you're loved. I want you to know that your dad and I delight in you and are overwhelmingly thankful that God would allow us be your parents. You bring immense joy to our world.

You have challenged me in more ways than I can count--I've asked for more help this year than possibly any other year, I've seen my own brokenness and selfishness in ways I've never seen before, and I've cried a lot & laughed a ton. This year I've been so tired, but my life has felt so full.

I'm so grateful for you and your fun personality, your contagious giggles, and sweet snuggles. I can't wait for what's in store for us, Hazel Lou. You're my girl and I love you!



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