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Friday, August 17, 2018


This summer felt like a sneak-preview of what is to come with my daughters and their relationships with each other.

Eleanor started talking more. A few words at first, more, peese (please), no. She now knows a few sentences. I don't want it, being her most favorite right now.

I knew when E started to have words her relationship with Hazel would change, or rather, deepen.

They've had their ways of communicating in the past and to be honest, Matt and I have always been amazed when Hazel knows exactly what Eleanor is talking about and we have no clue.

She was saying she wants to get dressed? Okay...

Yesterday I peeked out of the kitchen as they ate lunch at the table. I can see Eleanor sitting in a chair next to Hazel. She's starting to think she's "too big" for her high chair.

They giggle, trade food from their plates--a strawberry for a carrot stick.

Hazel offers Eleanor a scoop of her mac and cheese as they play peek-a-boo behind a napkin. I think about how big Hazel is getting. She's only three, but being a big sister has made her seem older.

She copies me--the things I say, my gestures, and I see it play out with how she takes care of her sisters.

Rubbing Eleanor's back when she hurts herself, "You're going to be okay! Let me see it--oh wow, lets get you a bandaid!"

"Heyyyyy! Oh you're so sweet, Sybie Jane. I love you!"

"It's not time to go outside yet, Eleanor. Not everyone is ready."

"Don't touch the stove. It's very hot and you could hurt yourself!"

I'm careful to tell her, "I'm the mommy, you're the sister," when I feel she's over-stepping, but being a big sister myself I understand the desire to care for the little sibling in that motherly way (my brother can attest to this, I'm sure!).

I worry for a second. Does she think she needs to grow up faster? Take on more responsibility because she's the big sister? Have I made her feel that way? I bet she misses being the baby...

My worried thoughts are broken by, "Where's Eleanor?! There she is! Peek-a-boo!" And all the giggles.

I say a prayer as I pop my head back into the kitchen. Trusting God with my big girl--open hands--I pray for her to know she is loved for just who she is. She's accepted not for what she offers, but just for being her. Lord, please let her know that to her core.

More giggles. More peek-a-boo!

I think about how grateful I am that they have each other.

I don't want to rush Sybil growing, but man, I'm excited to see all three of them play together. What will that be like?

These girls, this family....I feel like I'm living a dream I never dreamt. Did I think this is what my life would look like?

Not exactly, but I do remember looking out a window when I was maybe 20? Maybe 21?

I remember telling God I was okay with an ordinary life. Okay with whatever it was he wanted for me.

Knowing I can be stubborn I prayed for a lot of trust and admitted that I might try to fight him on a few things, but asked for help to live life open-handed.

Am I living open-handed I wonder? Am I still okay with whatever it is he wants for me?

I think yes somedays and others I may have a tight fist.

Let me be open-handed today, I pray.

I soak in the giggles and breathe. In five minutes I may have to step in and break up a battle of, "but I was playing with it first!" But for now, there's peek-a-boo and silly faces and trading food. So I think I'll stand in the kitchen for just a minute longer...

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